|
STORIES
DATING, LOVE ADVICE
Dating + Personals Search
|  |
 |
 |
|
Subscribe in your favorite reader using the links below. To learn more about feeds and RSS, click here.
 | |||||
|
Articles
Sections
>>
>
|
|||||
|
Dealing with Exes and Dental Dams
Friday Oct 26, 2007.
By Anna Pulley
|
|||||
| |||||
Dear Maven,
My girlfriend calls her ex-boyfriends on their birthdays and I have a hunch on other occasions, as well. What do I do? I confronted her and she said I am just jealous and insecure. Not so. I think if you're involved with somebody as much as we are, your past should remain what it is—the past. We all have a past but why live in it. Enjoy the present and the future and get on with it. What do I do? I want to pull my hair out!
Sincerely,
A: The answer is obvious, Chuck; you should pull your hair out. Everyone knows baldness increases testosterone and sex drive, plus you'll release some good old-fashioned aggression in the process, without getting arrested. Everybody wins.
But really, you're getting worked up over a yearly phone call? Consider yourself lucky. My girlfriend won't stop sending her ex-boyfriend my prized casserole recipes. (The secret is NOT fresh basil!) As someone who rarely maintains friendships with exes—and when I do, it's mostly for the continental breakfasts—I empathize with your plight, Chuck, but a vast majority of the female population doesn't feel the same way as you or me. I blame communism. Truth be told, some women like being friends with their exes because they have a shared history (booty call), were friends as well as lovers (friends with benefits) or because of the trust and intimacy that was gained over the course of the relationship (ex sex is hot). Seriously though, it's not that big of a deal. Think of the obligatory phone call you make to your great Aunt Zelda during the holidays. Sure, it's unpleasant and you wish she could go one conversation without referencing circumcision, but hey, one call a year won't kill you, and it won't make your girlfriend like you any less, unless perhaps you keep giving her shit for calling her exes on their birthdays.
Dear Matron,
There's a girl I've been seeing who is really into safe sex. I've always used condoms, but I'm not that familiar with dental dams and whatnot. She insists on using them. Can you tell me what the deal is—if they're actually useful and where I can get some?
Best,
A: Dear Between a rock and a... Wait a second—Matron? As much as it pains me to talk about it, I am not running the brothel anymore; they've outsourced all the pussy to India, I'm afraid. Let me answer your last question first, since it's my party and I'll pry if I want to (pry if I want to, yeah!). The most obvious place to get dental dams is at an Ani DiFranco concert, followed loosely by most any drug store or pharmacy in America. In certain parts of Iowa, you have to ask for "vajayjay stoppers." (Don't look at me; I'm not from the Midwest.)
For those who don't know, dental dams are thin sheets of latex originally designed for oral surgery (hence the sexy name) but, like a lot of medical phenomena (rubber gloves, stirrups, the cast of Grey's Anatomy), dental dams have been co-opted for sweet, sweet lovin' and to help prevent oral-vaginal and oral-anal diseases. Sure, huffing on a piece of rubber isn't the most erotic thing in the world, but neither is genital herpes. And, let's not forget about the other infections that can be transmitted through the body's delectable squish mitten: gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and HIV. Try a water-based lube with a dam to enhance sensation and make sure to only use one side per session. This is not a Luby's Cafeteria; you can't keep going back for more. In terms of usefulness, it's up to you and your partner to decide what level of protection you want, though you should respect your girl's wishes if you want to be a decent human being, not to mention if you want to partake in that marvelous muff mosque. But what do I know, I'm just a lowly former brothel owner turned Doctor of Love. Now shut up and get me 50 cc's of Patrick Dempsey, stat!
|
|||||
| |||||
