Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Maven,

~Booty and the Beast

Dear Booty and the Beast,

If I've learned anything from "Arrested Development" and MC Hammer pants, it's that all good things must come to an end. In fact, I can't believe you’ve made it nine months already with a booty call. Unless your booty call lives in a different state or is a carnie, you should not expect it to last more than a few months, as the nature of the booty call is transitory and casual.

But that said, every friend-with-benefits arrangement is different and it's admirable of you to want to take his feelings into consideration. The standard "I love f*cking you, but I'm not IN LOVE with f*cking you" line probably won't work in this scenario, nor will a singing telegram. If you haven't tried simply not responding to his late-night text come-ons, then that is the first thing I'd suggest. Simply ignoring a friend with benefits is perfectly acceptable, unlike a boyfriend or the people from Comcast who just keep calling, regardless of what language you answer in. The casualness of the FwB allows for a certain amount of assholery. If, however, you have tried ignoring him three times and he is not catching on, then a "talk" may be in order. Be honest, but not too honest as to why you no longer want to play "nurse maid and amputee" with him anymore. Since it's been so long, there are probably emotions caught up between you, so some white lies may be in order, but ending a booty call shouldn't endanger your friendship, unless he actually wants you to be his live-in nurse maid, in which case he made a breach in the booty-call contract and has lost all rights anyway. If you can fabricate a new relationship without him easily finding out, you have my permission to do so. And remember, friends with benefits are like MySpace: after a few months you need to get the f*ck off.