Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Maven,

Sore Loser

Dear Sore,

Herpes comes from the Greek word meaning "creep," which is not just an appropriate name for your shithead boyfriend, whom I hope is now your shithead ex-boyfriend. Creeping is what herpes is especially good at, judging by the fact that 1 in 5 Americans has it (and a third of those don't know it). So, you know, you're not alone. Several resources exist to help you fight the good fight, including the National Herpes Hotline ((919) 361-8488). Many dating sites are also at your disposal, like Positive Singles, which offers live counseling, chat rooms, anonymous membership and the option to filter out prospective partners depending on what they have (which is either brilliant or really dehumanizing). There's also Meet People With Herpes, which has available support in addition to success stories with heart-warming anecdotes like, "There was a star I was under, it danced, and then it crapped on me."

Like the in-grown toenails you inherited from your mother, herpes is just something you have to live with, but taking good care of yourself and your immune system is the best way to minimize outbreaks. The three major anti-viral medications are Acyclovir, Valtrex and Famvir. Not only are they proven to decrease outbreaks, but they also decrease your chances of spreading the virus to others. You should also avoid or cut back on foods like chocolate (I know, I know), nuts, soda, rice, coffee, tea and anything with the amino acid arginine in it.

Getting back to your former slutty ways, however, has a much simpler remedy: confidence. People are rejected all the time, for things as petty as unsightly nose hairs or owning the entire series of "Frasier" on DVD—and having herpes is slightly less offensive than the latter. The sooner you accept yourself as a glorious, slut-tacular human being, the sooner others will accept it, too. Psychologists have noted that people tend to behave the way we expect them to behave, so don't expect a negative reaction or a funny hat when breaking the news to people, unless you really have your eye on that feathered war bonnet.