Centerstage - Chicago's Original City Guide

Dear Maven,

I recently slept with a girl for the first time and she was really loud, like REALLY loud. I have thin walls and roommates and it frankly embarrassed me a little. Can I say something or do I just have to get used to it?

Red Faced in Ravenswood

Dear Red Faced,

Too quiet, too loud, too boring, too kinky. She has a beard! He has supernumerary nipples! It's always something, isn't it? This is why we dim the lights, people. And why we have such excellent shaming techniques in place to discount each other’s differences. As sexual beings, we receive so many conflicting opinions about what will turn people on (except here at Maven Central, your source of unbiased and unlimited wisdom every week). Your girl may think you like auditory encouragement and/or feedback. Or she may just be a screamer. But unlike man boobs, noise-making, while perhaps not irreversible, can at least be toned down with minimal reconstructive surgery.

Solution 1: Music. If Evanescence exists for any conceivable reason, it is to mute the cries of pain from people the world over. Same thing goes for '80s metal hair bands. Music can also be an aphrodisiac, which is an added bonus. Just be careful with your selections and make sure you know her taste at least a little. Why, the bleating yelps from Ashlee Simpson alone can unleash a seismic epidemic upon one's libido.

Solution 2: Subtle Manipulation. Like many activities in life—school, scuba diving, Connect Four—sex is ultimately a power exchange. It can be hot when your partner tells you to shut up, but only if you do it right. Practicing restraint can be a huge turn-on, especially if your partner is used to a free-for-all in the bedroom. Teasing commands, pinning her hands down, telling her to behave, etc., are subtle ways to control your partner's behavior in the bedroom. If you've never played this way before, it's better to ease into it. A girl is more likely to respond to reserved techniques than if you chain her to the radiator and snarl, "Suck on this, Chatty Kathy!"

Solution 3: Consider the Alternative. Sex isn't synonymous with "The View" by any means (except for the commercial breaks), but just think: Would you rather hear moans of pleasure in the bedroom or creaking bed springs and the tired inner monologue of your sad existence?