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Perplexing Pals: A Friend with Benefits and Your Horny Ex
Monday May 12, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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Maven,
I have a wonderful friend. Our families have been friends for six years. His ex wife was one of my closest friends, until she ran off and had an affair with my husband at the time. Both she and my ex destroyed two families, and both participants left their children to be together. I have spent lots of time over the past three years supporting my male friend and him me. We have so much in common and love to spend time together. We have been intimate and just enjoy each other's company. We both have commented on the attraction but are scared to admit it might be more. We just laugh and stay good friends. He says he does not want a relationship, or to marry again. He then says he's confused. I'm not sure what to do because I have realized I love him more than just a friend. If I say something, he may not want to see me. Sometimes he has said to me don't fall in love with me! Help please.
Sincerely,
A:It's been three years since your spouses ran off. If this relationship was going to go anywhere beyond friendship, it would have happened already. As it is, the relationship is going the way of the New Kids on the Block reunion tour, i.e. to the land of jewel-toned Miami Vice pants and bad goatees. Maybe it's the moonshine talking, but when someone says, "don't fall in love with me," I don't typically take that as encouragement—unless the word "don't" is replaced by "please" and the words "fall in love with me" are replaced by "ride me until Lindsay Lohan becomes sober," and it's Jake Gyllenhaal who is saying them.
I know how easy it is to fall for someone with similar wounds (Lifetime has based 30 years of television programming on that theme), but just because you can, doesn't mean you should. What you need to do is start seeing other people—people who aren't wholly mired in your past marriages. You don't have to cut him out of your life or anything, but reduce the amount of time you spend cozying up with him to watch Netflix movies or other boyfriend-y activities. I know that sounds about as fun as shaving a herd of alpacas, but you deserve to find someone genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with you, not this wishy-washy, I'll-never-love-again guy.
Dear Maven,
My ex and I have been broken up for about six months now, and we're trying to be friends. It's going OK so far, except for one thing: He keeps hitting on my friends. It really bothers me, and seems generally disrespectful and incestuous. How can I get him to broaden his dating pool without sounding like a jealous ex?
~Ex-Lacks
A: I was wondering when I'd have another opportunity to write about incest. Other than the pamphlet I write for my grandmother's shuffleboard team, of course.
I'd love to tell you to tell your ex to stop smearing his Crayola all over you're friends' My Little Pony coloring books, but frankly I can't. At least not without you coming off like a controlling ex-girlfriend. Everyone knows that it's super convenient to date the people you hang with, unless "Beverly Hills 90210" has been lying to me all this time, and I simply refuse to believe that.
This reminds me of a certain saying we have here at Centerstage: All's fair in love and Jell-O body-shot contests. This affirmation can be applied to most any situation, including how to make the perfect bread pudding. Now, that's not to say I don't sympathize with your situation. If we could keep our exes from doing things that piss us off, then the world would clearly be a better place and maybe Paula Abdul would stop crying on daytime talk shows.
You could try the standard, "How would you like it if I hit on your father?" approach, or other shaming devices. You could also leave passive-aggressive notes on his car, such as "If you wouldn't mind terribly, my friends are not your sexual balloon animals that you can blow at your convenience!" Or, here's an idea: Save yourself the hassle and stop hanging out with him. Everybody wins, especially me.
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