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Get Him to Give it Up and Get Out of the House
Monday Apr 14, 2008.
By Anna Pulley
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Maven,
I had one date with a really cute guy and knew pretty immediately that he's not my type of dating material, but I really want to f*** him. As we were "kissing goodbye" (read: totally making out) he lamented it being a "school night" and asked what I'm doing Friday. We didn't make plans yet, but how do I skip the tomfoolery of a date and go right to the $200 honey pot?
A: I'm going to assume that by "honey pot" you are referencing sex and not Winnie the Pooh's first (and only!) love. First, let me say kudos to you for knowing what you want and not wasting your or your date's precious time. And also, thanks for the dirty Winnie the Pooh visuals that are now in my head. One more strike, and I'm sending you over to the Tribune personals. (Ed. note: Don't worry; I would NEVER do that to you!)
There are many ways to go about this, one of which involves a two-for-one coupon at TGIFridays and a mandolin, but that's for advanced swimmers and you haven't even applied for your Fisting Merit Badge, so let's not get ahead of ourselves. In matters of sexual conquests and ordering internet service from AT&T, I find that blunt statements and mildly flirtatious harassment do the trick quite nicely. You'll want an intimate setting, preferably a weekend night so things like school and "Facts of Life" marathons do not interfere. You'll want everything about you to be saturated with sex, from the smells (avoid asparagus) to the music (White Snake, girlfriend) to the outfit (swanky or skanky). Obviously, your ideas of sexy are going to vary from mine (I'm serious about the White Snake, though), but just remember that people most often base their impressions of you on attitude and appearance.
Invite him over to your place to cook dinner or something. The closer you are to a bed (or the table or the floor), the better. If it's something messy or that you have to make with your hands, the more excuses you'll have to touch and have impromptu food fights. Don't want the hassle? Then be blunt: "I'm really attracted to you. Might we engage in some sexual intercourse?" Et cetera. What? I'm not a speechwriter. And besides, that line totally worked on me.
Maven,
My boyfriend and I have been going out a year and a half. I like him because he's kind, attractive, funny and comfortable to be around. But lately it's a bit too comfortable, and I have wanted to get out and do more things, meet more people. I am a really shy person so that's especially hard for me, but I want to try. He doesn't say so, but when I hang out with the very few friends I have now, which is rare, he seems sad and even a little jealous. I have several times asked him to join me for something: to go to a movie club my friend started, to attend a reading or a show or even just to hang out with my friends. To all of these, he acts like he might be interested but then he decides a day in advance he won't go. If I say I want to meet new people, he goes into antisocial mode and tells me how all people are stupid or whatever. Or on occasion, he mentions how I will just be nervous around people anyway, so why should I want to go—something true, but something I believe I can overcome with exposure to social situations. I really don't want to go alone all the time; I really don't want to leave him out, but I am starting to get antsy and frustrated. How can I drag my bummer beau out to be social?
A: "All people are stupid or whatever?" Clearly he's not chillaxing with Teri Hatcher! Not only is he unwilling to even try to do anything in a social setting, but he's making you feel bad for wanting a life without him, both of which are red flags that are right up there with joining a cult and masturbating to Roseanne Barr. I'm going to go way out on a limb here—like way out—maybe in Iowa somewhere, and say that your beau doesn't have (m)any friends. That's problem number one. Problem number two is that he's dragging you down because he's insecure and he thinks that because you're shy, you'll give up the whole "I want a life" business and stay at home with him all the time to play Nintendo Wii and make mini quiches. I'm here to tell you to resist that at all costs!
It almost seems like there is an underlying issue, besides him being antisocial, at play here. Is he strapped for cash? Does he dance like a constipated Muppet? If so, he might be using the "everyone is stupid" line to get out of dealing with his own problems.
If you're into "working things out," you can try finding out what kinds of activities he would consider doing socially. Maybe he's just not into movie clubs or readings or being alive. If you deliberately suggest things you know he really likes, (tandem go-carts, anyone?) he might be less likely to say no. There must be something outside of his apartment that he enjoys, especially now that it's spring and mostly warm out, with birds chirping and shit. Try doing things that are low-key, where he won't have to converse that much, like playing Frisbee golf or attending an A.A. meeting. If he still won't budge, then continue what you're doing by going out and making new friends. Don't let Grumpy McGrumperton rain on your parade, even if it's actually raining, 'cause you can always stand under my umbrella, ella ella eh eh eh.
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