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Cold Feet and Throwing Up on a First Date
Monday Nov 26, 2007.
By Anna Pulley
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Dear Maven,
So, I am engaged and to be married within the next five months. I am beginning to hyperventilate on a regular basis. I am not sure if the problem is me and my fear of commitment/intimacy or my perfectionist tendencies (affirmed by multiple therapists) are causing me to self-sabotage a good thing because my relationship does not look like the ideal (perfect) model that I have in mind (which comes primarily from romantic comedy movies). I guess the question is, what is the difference between being selective (having high standards) and being too picky, thereby losing out on a chance for a great relationship?
Sincerely,
A; When it comes to questions about life-altering decisions, like marriage, children and who to root for on Project Runway, I believe the answers can often be found in quotes from The Big Lebowski. When it comes to cold feet, The Dude and friends understand that we all make sacrifices for love: "You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me."
You need to be able to articulate your fears, both about marriage and your partner specifically. Whether it's "Everyone I know is divorced" or "I'll never look as cute as Julia Roberts did in Runaway Bride," writing down your fears will help give you a sense of focus and a better idea of what you can and can't work through. While it is normal to have idealized notions about marriage, sometimes we allow ourselves to be distracted by issues that aren't that important in order to avoid thinking about core problems. "The Chinaman is not the issue here, Dude...Also, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please."
Remember that you're not on a deadline. You can take as much time as you need in order to feel comfortable with the idea of becoming someone's wife, unless you have a terminal illness or have just watched Barbara Streisand's reunion tour, in which case, you're probably going to become gay in about three minutes so you best step on it, girlfriend! An identity shift is also unavoidable, but ask yourself why you're getting married. If the answer is "to stave off the terrible loneliness" or "two for one lap dances at the Admiral" then you should forget the husband-to-be and give me a call, baby. But if it is just cold feet, there are tons of resources to help: theregoesthebride.com, elegala.com, psychologytoday.com and kissmegoodnight.com.
Lastly, spend some time away from the stressful wedding planning and focus your energy on tasks that make you happy. Wedding planning anxiety can transfer over into your relationship and make problems seem a lot more exaggerated than they really are. So, one last bit of Big Lebowski advice: "F*** it, Dude. Let's go bowling."
Hello,
Here goes nothing...This guy and I work together. We are both physicians. We have interacted professionally and personally at my friends' homes. However, he finally got my number and took a whole week to call me. Then, we went out and had an awesome time, but I ate sushi and drank (both of which I usually do not do), and became very ill at his home. I vomited all over his cashmere sweater, his couch and his carpet. He cleaned me up, and I was knocked out. He dropped me off and since then, has not called me. I've seen him at work and also have spoken to him at work, but now he has not called me. I was really hoping to have a relationship with him. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
A: Let me share something I learned recently from monstertrucks.net: After the first impression has been made, it takes at least 10 additional encounters to change that impression, if it's ever going to change at all. Let me share something else, Shelly: The jet engine simulator on the back of The Ultimate Hoss 3000 can shoot flames up to 25 feet! This means, of course, that you have no chance in hell of getting a second date with Dr. Hunk-a-hunk. We all do things to try to calm ourselves when we're socially uncomfortable or nervous, especially around people we want to potentially bump uglies with (that's right, I said "bump uglies"). The question is how did you get to uncontrollable projectile vomiting followed by a coma? And why would he have reason to call you, unless he wants you to pick up his dry cleaning tab? If anything, you should call him and apologize, not because you're still trying to get in his pants but because you owe him the courtesy.
If you want to have any semblance of a decent work relationship with him, you will apologize and then lie your ass off about your terrible behavior. Tell him you're allergic to wheat gluten or something and didn’t realize there was some in the sushi. Emphasize the "awesome time" you had before you decided to show him what was in your lower intestine. You could also pull the food poisoning card, though if he ate the sushi too and was fine, he might not fall for that.
While I can't say I have a similar story of my own to share at this time (the lawsuit is pending and my attorney has requested I keep mum), I can tell you that almost everyone crosses the line at some point or another with people they like, and it's not the end of the world, unless you happen to be his cashmere sweater, in which case, so long Cashey. Since your dignity is kind of down the toilet (forgive the pun), the only shot you have at saving face is if he decides not to tell your co-workers about the incident, which the aforementioned apology might help. And for the love of carpet, lay off the sake next time, okay?
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