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Sniffing Out a Smell and Cyber Sex in the Flesh
Friday Nov 09, 2007.
By Anna Pulley
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Dear Maven,
When I last saw my girlfriend, she was on her period, but we both decided to have sex. After the deed was done, I noticed this RANK smell. I assume it came from her, but didn't want to ask her about it. So, should I ask her about it or was the after sex affecting my nose? Any advice you can give would be helpful.
Sincerely,
A: The vagina is a fickle thing, whose odors can change dramatically depending on mood, hormones and if something particularly exciting is happening on "Lost." As I often tell my state legislators when lobbying for fewer speed humps, the vagina is a self-cleaning oven. This means that pussies sanitize themselves and no additional cleansing or douching is necessary, unless you've just attended one of David Schwimmer's cheese and gherkin parties. (I don't want to talk about it.) Rank period odor can occur if she's not changing her pads frequently enough (every two-four hours, say the Powers That Be), not showering daily or attempting the less common, but no less poignant, task of making pot roast in her vagina. (The meat stays so tender!)
If the odor persists, she might have an infection, but if you just noticed it the one time, it's probably nothing to worry about. Interesting tidbit: Post-orgasm, our sense of smell does become sharper. You may also notice feelings of warmth and closeness, but that's really just your bladder signaling you to stop cuddling already and get to the pisser. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check on my pot roast.
Dear Maven,
I'm going to Chicago soon for work and am planning on meeting up with two new friends I've made on the internet, with whom I've been doing some serious flirting. We've been planning some pretty wild sex together, provided, of course, that the chemistry that we're experiencing in the virtual world manifests in the material world, too. I'm very excited. Is there anything special you think I should do to prepare for this visit? Is there anything you suggest I do to help break the ice when I first meet these two sex kittens? Is there anything you think I can do to help the situation move along to its desired end?
Lustfully yours, Philadelphia Daddy
A: Have you considered buying these sex kittens a spice rack or The Eagles Greatest Hits? Because that doesn't work at all! What does work, though, is some kind of offering, like a nice poinsettia plant, a lap dance or booze. I'm assuming these two sex kittens know each other—sorority sisters, Cusack siblings or maybe carnies? Use whatever commonalities you all share to aid you in breaking the ice. Any activity that requires physical contact works wonders, because it allows you to get familiar with their bodies in not an explicitly sexual way. I like to pretend I can read palms as an excuse to touch someone's hand, though you don't have to get that creative (or steal my awesome moves!). Dancing works well, especially if you're a stripper or Al Gore: Have you seen his post-Nobel Prize shimmy? It's off the hook. There are also children's games like Twister, Charades and Bobbing for Cock Rings that can lighten the mood but not the libido.
One more thing: Don't make the first move. Sex kittens like to feel like they're in control when meeting strange men for the first time, regardless of how much cyber flirting went down. And, of course, consent from all parties involved is absolutely necessary. You can nudge them along some, but in the end, let them feel like they wear the pants in this situation if you want to see them not wearing pants later.
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